This is a major hire for the agency, and she’s as mad as they are.
“Spring Rolls; a reason for Melbourne,” said Carla, gazing skyward reverently, snaring a handful. Al looked, and was, bewildered.
“Melbourne?” he asked.
“Gesundheit,” said Joe.
“The Spring Roll was invented in Melbourne. Probably in Little Bourke Street, where the dragons play,” explained Carla.
“Later that same century Ming Dynasty won the Melbourne Cup,” supplied Joe thoughtfully.
“Thus indicating that the Ancient Chinese and Ancient Melbournians are one and the same, just a bit shaky with street directories,” explained Bill.
“Think Boston,” said Felicity.
“Think Toronto in winter with beaches,” added Carla.
This was still a bit new to Al. It is impossible to live in Australia without being aware of the rivalry of the two big cities, but the reality seemed a bit……incomprehensible. All present were Sydneysiders, and that didn’t help. Tentatively he sounded them out.
“What about the other cities? Brisbane?” Carefully he pronounced it Bris-bn, the Australian way.
“Brisbane, where intellectual life is so limited the bananas have to bend themselves,” said Joe dramatically. He receded into his seat, weeping.
Carla: “Cane Toad city; place of white shoes, blue rinse and grey hair, and décor to match.”
Bill: “Where we have cockroaches, they have developers.”
“Adelaide?”
Felicity: “Place of holy crow gnawing people with two weeks of art per year and the topsoil comes and visits.”
Joe: “As good a reason for the Nullabor as any.”
“Perth?”
Bill: “Sand fondling among consenting adults and developers, miners and related businesses. Next door is a block away.”
“Darwin?”
Carla: “Only city built entirely out of beer cans. Main industry; feeding tourists to crocodiles and crocodiles to tourists. It is believed that this problem will ultimately solve itself.”
The red wine, which was a good Shiraz, had already suffered more than a nudge at this point. Al persevered, aware that he now knew a lot less than he had before he’d asked.
“Hobart?”
Joe: “Believed to be the only city on Earth where you can have a really thorough incestuous relationship with yourself, although some apples dispute this claim in recent court cases.”
“Canberra?” The American accent won that one.
Bill: “A place where you can go round in circles for years and get paid six figures for doing so.”
Joe: “Where it’s safer to be seen than heard.”
Carla: ”A viable alternative to senility and insularity.”
Felicity: “Where the suits buy the people.”
“Sydney?”
Bill: “The nicest place to get a disease or a TV gig.”
Carla: “Where somewhere else is as close as you want it to be.”
Joe: “Where you can ignore people helpfully and be appreciated for it.”
Felicity: “Where even ad-people can be mistaken for human beings.”
“So that’s why I wasn’t put in quarantine. Anyway, Felicity, when can you start?”
“Now?”