Bruce takes to the airwaves to find Nigel. It’s gruesome. Really. Actually.
Voiceover: If someone buys 60 toilet rolls at once, is he just an optimist? For the answer to this and many other questions you’d rather were never asked, listen to someone else. For abuse, screaming and unformatted crud, listen to 2AAAAARRRGH FM. All we do is annoy people.
Al: 50 words, 25 seconds. You happy with that?
George Hearn, owner of FM station: Yeah, I don’t think our attention span is able to handle much more.
Felicity: Had you considered the Neanderthal approach, “Listen to 2AAAAARRRGH FM while you milk your car,” something more upmarket?
George (thoughtfully) I don’t think we want to introduce our audience to any verbs……have a listen….
Sound of English rap group The Sexless Sycophantic Doormats… sound of breaking glass. DJ breaks in.
DJ That’s what a really crappy CD being thrown through a window sounds like in Spring. Stick around for the other seasons. Now, we have a caller. That’s interesting, because we despise talkback people and usually chop them up and sell them to people who hate goldfish…..What’s the problem, mate, missing arse, face unfortunately situated on head, nostrils need mowing…?
Voice: I’m Bruce? All of the above, in a way? I’m trying to find Our Nigel? I rang you because he likes to listen to people yelling? He’s English? He went out for a sandwich and we never saw him again? Ooh I’m worried? Weren’t you ever worried? You should be, I saw your photo in the paper? Who does your hair, Arnotts?
DJ: Yeah…. it’s the Ginger Nut In Denial Look…. Takes hours…. He’s a Pom, and you’re trying to find him? Doesn’t sound very likely. What does he look like, and why? Have you seen any suspicious sandwiches?
Bruce (warmly, like a railway station late train announcement in love) He’s getting pattern baldness, and he’s skinny except for his beer gut? He has this big nose and it’s always red…..or green? You could try vaccination for the hair?
DJ What, you think it might be contagious? See, this is why I’m on air, I need the help. Where else would I find a coroner that understanding? Have you considered standing for Parliament, or sentencing, or something? Why do you want to find this guy? Sounds incredibly ugly.
Bruce (wistfully) Oh he is? But he’s ours? It’s like waking up one morning and finding that your poodle’s bottom is missing? You know it should be there…? That’s what I like about English people, you know they should be there, but they’re not? They always look like they’re somewhere else, or trying to be? So when they’re there, it’s as if they aren’t? That is, if they were there originally? Actually I think superglue is overrated as a hair shape restorer?
DJ Yeah, particularly if you don’t like hanging around. So what you’re saying is that you’d like him back so that you can be sure that when he’s there he’s……going to be somewhere else?
Bruce At least by intent? Most people aren’t really there when you’re talking to them, you know?
DJ Yes….yes, I do know, Bruce. I really do….
Bruce That’s what Our Nigel adds to our little shop….that feeling of deep personal evasion of everything? After all we are a hair clinic? Not a mausoleum? I wonder why? The dead don’t pay as well?
DJ (twitching cheek by now rather alarming to sound crew) Hair clinic, eh? Where are you, exactly?
Bruce (kindly, like a public inquiry) Now, dearest, we’re not here to do business? That comes later? Nigel’s… girl… friend wants to say something?
Piranha Woman (rushed, truly gut level Cockney accent) ‘Ullo, Nige? Please come ‘ome…. (subtly) Oi’ve got the rubber bands and all……
Bruce (patiently) Say it properly, dear? We are on air?
Piranha Woman (self consciously, over enunciating as if in mid-enema) Nigel? Wherever you are? We miss you? I’ve got the cream and the……luggage ties? Our… establishment?… isn’t what it was without you? I’m so worried you’ve found someone else?
George, speechless, stares as Al’s head sinks to his desk very slowly, trying not to laugh. Felicity, who hasn’t been informed of the Nigel-Bruce Phenomenon, hears the sound of Joe and Carla screeching. Bill doubles up, holding desperately on to the door handle. Al and Bill make eye contact, and both started laughing and crying silently, wincing with the sheer impact.
DJ Bruce, have you considered a career in television? You’re listening to 2AAAAARRRGH FM, you poor bastards.
George’s problem was that they got thousands of calls from then on, about everything from missing people to missing careers. Al suggested they just screen the callers to make sure they got only the freaks.