Insults are among the few things people actually listen to. The other major category is questions – People are socially programmed to respond. I spend a lot of time improving my ability to add insults to injuries.
For those who need them:
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a sewer.
I am a rational person. It’s just that looking at you doesn’t help.
Shouldn’t you be flying around light globes?
…And if madam will just scuttle under the fridge, she’ll find a friend.
The only pacifist in the war of love.
What are you doing here? Did they run out of cockroaches?
By the law of averages, I can tell by looking at you that the world is full of beautiful, intelligent people.
Didn’t I tread on you in 1967?
It’s just that the zits are better looking than you are.
I see you escaped from the entomologists.
Who needs death, when we have your intellect to play with?
Other people have lives. You have a phone. Spot the difference.
In the architecture of conversation, you are a load-bearing cliché.
Your stupidity becomes you.
Life seems to avoid you, doesn’t it?
You went to Harvard, and they let you out?
That’s what happens when you replace food with theories. Bored toilet paper.
Have you considered breaking in to the Smithsonian and hiding in a drawer?
Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as thoroughly deserved recognition for your noble evasion of facts since birth.
The people from the Bozo factory rang. You’ve been recalled.
You’re rich, famous, and totally uninteresting. Congratulations. What an achievement.
Have you ever considered being someone else? It might help.
One of them is a cheese. The other is you. Sure you know which is which?
We’ll get you a plaque from the Better Bleating Society. Then you’ll really stand out.
I don’t think you can afford self-loathing. Where would you find all that extra time?
It’s called Anal Recidivism. You have a dump, change your mind, and put it all back.
You frisky little dunghill, you.
Most sentences have a subject. How do people cope with this contradiction, when they’re talking about you?
Well, there’s the universe, and there’s you. People like to make the distinction, for some reason.
Have you ever considered fracking yourself for untapped deposits of smugness?
The trouble is that insults regarding you are basically statements of the obvious.
I enjoy practising my insults. Insults are good exercise. The logic of insults is the logic of honesty, applied to real opinions. That’s why insults from bullies and boors are so ineffective. If you’d like a custom made insult, they’re only $20 million each. Insults to the intelligence should mean something, don’t you think?