“Oh, hello. I’m here to sell obsolete ideology to absolute morons.”
“Oh, thank god! Do come in and masturbate on the razor wire.”
“Thanks.”
“Well, that was messy, and aren’t you the horny little insect! Now, about this obsolete ideology…?”
“Ah yes. It’s predicated on the theory that any ideology if yelled loud enough and often enough will become a firm personal conviction. You can become a fanatic on subjects you know nothing about, and even things you don’t care about.”
“Sounds scrumptious. Yes, do molest the hair dryer, by all means.”
“…So (grunt) we find a wonderful source of revenue. It’s quick, (grunt) it costs nothing but a bit of babble, and it’s wonderful around the house when you want to destroy your own or other people’s relationships. (Aaah…).”
“Oh well done! Marmaduke, our dryer has become a mother!”
(Voice off) “Hallelujah!”
“Oh, did I mention… There’s no possibility of relevance, either, because all policies, theories, and other sputum are sourced from thousands of years ago, and carefully applied in the wrong contexts to any situation.”
“However do you think of these things?”
“That’s our little secret. We stopped thinking about everything. Too dangerous.”
“That’s true. Help yourself to the dunghill, please.”
“Thanks. (Puff, pant) We found that ideologies (wheeze) can stand alone in any environment, uncluttered and unaffected by human need of any kind.”
(Thunderous squelching sounds)
“My word, you’re athletic. How about a nice bit of seductive drywall?”
“You’re so kind! Then (crunch) we simply packaged it, (splintering sound) gave it to a PR firm, and made billions in selling the packages to our little friends in their mausoleums.”
“Very innovative. I think that road bed likes you!”
“Nothing like a sexy bit of aggregate to really turn me on. Now, we’re hoping you’ll invest, of course. Are you interested?”
“Of course! Have a few billion, you future saint, you.”
“Gee gosh wow. Thanks. Are your neighbors home?”
“No, we killed them, but there are still a few survivors hiding in the deeper drains.”
“Can I come back and visit, see how the hair dryer’s doing?”
“Any time! Oh, before I forget – Remember to pick up your face off the razor wire, won’t you? It goes so well with your other… classic personal grooming assets….”
…And the silence returned.
