The Art of being a Somebody (Or how to look like you deserve to be rich and famous is a manual for being a celebrity. All murderous insults incur a fee payable to me. How hard could it be? This is an extract, designed to promote international feelings of goodwill and generate income for me.
Before you ask, yes, you are supposed to have a body. Fun (and much cheaper) as being a floating ego is, this is a standard requirement for being allowed into society and being worshipped by people who don’t know any better. Which type should you get? That really depends on the Somebody you want to be.
There are various types of body, some of which may be used for various purposes, if you’re prepared to do the courses and really like having that sort of relationship with buildings. The right body, however, may require you to actually do something with it. Unfair as this may seem, you might find a way of making that pay for itself.
- The supermodel body. The first person to be called The Body, to my knowledge, was Elle Macpherson, and with good reason. She also caused a global male saliva shortage for several decades. This very female body does have some big advantages. It’s quite hypnotic. It can’t be argued with, or about. For female Somebodies, it’s also a good way of scaring off other female Somebodies. The mere threat of wearing a bikini or anything revealing is enough. It also attracts male Somebodies, although for what reason we can only guess. There have apparently been no survivors able to explain.
- The cute body. Not as dramatic and uncompromising as the supermodel body, the cute body does have a few tricks up its sleeve… sleeves… Let’s leave it at that before the double entendre becomes unbearable. The cute body, male, female or media production, is always attractive to someone or something. This body is for Somebodies who want to be in demand, but not under control. What is revealed is enough to attract interest. This body also ages well, and can be used for flower arrangements in combination with the Country Legend face.
- The Looks Good body. This is a guy body, and it’s actually quite reliable unless you turn it into a beanbag. Its greatest strength is plausibility. If the face is OK, it is assumed to be OK. As a Somebody, it’s a good all-round body, provided the liver doesn’t get up and walk out on you. It’s relatively low maintenance, and you don’t want to maintain your relatives, anyway, if you’re a Somebody.
- The super fit body. Another guy body type, but very high maintenance. This is murder to achieve, but it looks great. All you have to do is eat a few gyms and health food stores, bench press a few continents a day and you’ll be glad you chose this one. It’s a great body for issue-avoiders, and the exact opposite of the Looks Good body in that those who see the body assume that everything else is working. For Somebodies, it’s a status symbol.
- The suburbanite body. This appeals to some people for its ultra-low maintenance for both male and female bodies. You don’t require shoulders, for example, and you can be vague about where your hips stop and your ankles begin. Like the Inner City Face, it’s nondescript, but being nondescript, few people bother criticizing it. This particular body is popular. People like Somebodies with this type of body because it makes them feel like they belong wherever they are.
So-
You’ve got your clothes, your hair, your face and your body. Now we explore the many facets of being a Somebody. That’ll be $2.5 million dollars, please.